


The Measure of a Dick

by onegoldenglance



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationship, Banter, Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Metafiction, Mildly Dubious Consent, Shippy Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onegoldenglance/pseuds/onegoldenglance
Summary: "I just thought you’d feel more comfortable if I got naked too."
Relationships: Freddie Mercury & Roger Taylor
Comments: 14
Kudos: 18





	The Measure of a Dick

**Author's Note:**

  * For [quirkysubject](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirkysubject/gifts).



“Roger darling, I need a favour,” Freddie said, strolling into their living room.

“Hmm,” Roger turned around on the couch and looked up at Freddie. “Yeah, of course, what do you need?”

“I need you to get it up for me.”

Roger just stared at his friend. Did he just hear that right? Surely not.

“You need me to… What the…” he spluttered.

“I. Need. You. To-” Freddie started, but Roger interrupted him.

“Yeah, I heard you the first time. Is this some kind of joke? I mean what kind of favour is that? Do you just want me to,” Roger laughs at the absurd image, “drop my pants and have a wank in front of you?”

Roger could not believe it. Freddie had asked some strange things in the time he had known him, but this surely took the cake.

“Oh, don’t be such a prude. I’ve already seen your dick.”

“Yeah, but not like that.” Roger let out an exasperated huff. He thought that would be the end to this strangest of conversations and turned his attention back to his magazine again. But Freddie apparently didn’t think so.

“Roger, please I just need to measure your erection. Don’t make such a drama out of this.”

“Fred, are you pulling my leg?” Roger had gotten up and was now standing close to Freddie. But Freddie was keeping a very straight face. No joke then… “Wait, are you drunk? Or high? Or both?”

Freddie looked at him. “No, I am not!” he said indignantly. “I really need to measure your willy. It is for… uhm, an art project…” Freddie was faltering for the first time. Up until now he had been completely nonchalant about this. As if asking your best friend to show you his erection was something he did all the time. Now a somewhat pleading tone was noticeable in his speech. “Pleeeease, Rog.”

Roger looked at him suspiciously. “An art project, huh?”

“Yeah, we are supposed to draw uhm, the perfect penis and…”

It still all sounded very weird to Roger. He was sure Freddie was having him on, that he would burst out laughing as soon as Roger started doing what he asked. But then… Did Freddie just imply Roger had the perfect penis? He’s pretty happy with it himself, but he had no idea his friend thought so highly of it. And if it’s for the art… “Well, alright then. I’ll do it. I’ll just skip into the bathroom while you sit here and crank up the music really loud and…” Roger reached for the measuring tape hanging around Freddie’s neck.

“No! You’ll cheat.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me?” Now it was Roger’s turn to stare indignantly at Freddie.

“Of course not darling. I trust you with my life Rog, but not with your prick.”

Roger rubs the bridge of his nose. “You really want to measure my dick.” It was not a question.

“I do.”

“For an art project?”

“Yes.

“With your own bare hands.”

“Yes.”

Roger resigned. He knew how persistent Freddie could be when he wanted something. And so what, it’s not as if he had something to hide. He had a perfectly normal dick and never heard any complaints about how he used it. So what if Freddie wanted to touch his cock. It’s not as if it was the first time a friend had his hand… oh, better not go there. “Alright then”, he sighed and reached for his fly.

“Great! I knew I could count on you.” Freddie delightedly clapped his hands and then started opening his trousers, which made Roger still his own hands.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to get my dick out,” Freddie stated very patiently as if talking to a child.

“I thought you needed to measure MY cock. Why would you need your cock as well?”

“Well, I just thought you’d feel more comfortable if I got naked too.”

“I will not get naked with you. You said nothing about getting naked. You can measure my dick without both of us getting naked.” Roger was starting to get angry now.

“But I need to compare them so I can see…” Freddie didn’t get to finish that sentence.

“Why would you need to compare them. You told me you needed so see the perfect British cock.”

“I just need to see which one is bigger.”

Roger couldn’t help himself. He started laughing so hard he was almost wheezing. Maybe Freddie wasn’t high but apparently _he_ was. That was the most logical explanation he could come up with for what must have been the weirdest fifteen minutes of his life. But he was also getting really tired and just wanted this – whatever this was – to be over and done with.

“Fred, alright, whatever. Let’s just do this,” he said while sitting back down on the couch and pulling his cock out. Freddie looked at him strangely, but soon enough he sat down next to Roger and they were both stroking their dicks in an eerily similar rhythm. Roger was trying not to sneak a peek at Freddie’s obviously very impressive dick. No no, it was the image of Jane Fonda he was conjuring up in his brain that was making him hard, and definitely not Freddie’s very big and very hard cock being so very close to his hand.

“I knew it!” Freddie’s shout luckily interrupted Roger’s thoughts.

“You knew what?”

“I knew mine was bigger!”

Roger looked down at their dicks with a more detached view. Yeah, so Freddie was right. But damn if he wouldn’t get the last word in.

“It’s not the size, it’s how you use it, Freddie.” He grinned smugly.

“Right, whatever makes you sleep at night, darling,” Freddie replied haughtily. “Alright, perfect. Now all I need is a photo and then I can prove to them that…” Freddie grabbed his phone and before Roger could react in any way, he had snapped a photo of their cocks. Side by side. Looking both very nice.

“Wait a minute. How do you mean ‘prove to them’? Prove what? And who are _they_?” Roger was starting to get annoyed again. He turned to Freddie and let go of his rapidly softening dick to shake his first in Freddie’s face. “I thought I was doing you a favour. You know, being a nice friend and all. But this is just some sick joke, isn’t it. Do you have a bet with Brian… “

‘Well… uhm… it’s not… I mean, I don’t…” Freddie was now stumbling over his words.

“Answer me, Fred. What do you need that photo for?” Roger was standing up.

“Well, you see… there was this story where we both go camping and…” But Freddie didn’t get to continue his explanation because Roger exploded.

“Have you been on AO3 again”, he shouted, getting dangerously red in the face. “I told you to stay away from that place!”

“It was an accident, I swear, but I read that comment and…” Freddie jumped up as well, protectively clutching his phone to his chest.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. Just give me the damn phone so I can delete the photo!” Roger tried to grab the phone, but Freddie was quickly stepping back while desperately trying to hold onto the phone and putting his dick inside his trousers again.

“Roger dear, I just need it to prove that you’re not bigger than…”

One look at Roger told him that there would be no reasoning with him now and retreat was the only option. So he spun around and all but ran into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“FREDDIIIIIIEEEE!”

\--------- Queen ---------

An hour later, Freddie and Roger were sitting on the couch again, both having taken care of their hard-ons and feeling very much relaxed. They were looking at the photo Freddie had taken.

“They do look good together, don’t you think?” Freddie asked while nipping on his glass of wine.

“You’re right,“ Roger agreed. “But I don’t think the world is ready for that much beauty yet.”

“Yes, better keep them to ourselves. Just imagine the crowds of people lining up outside our door just to have a look. We’d never have time for our music.”

And with that Freddie pressed the DELETE button.


End file.
